An Aging Parent Strikes Back

    On occasion, readers of Aequus News take issue with the unconventional wisdom dispensed on the pages of the newsletter. A case in point is an article which appeared in the November/December 2008 issue. It was entitled “How to Take Over an Aging Parent’s Finances.”

    Though Gloria Weiss, a long-time Aequus client, disagreed with the title and tone of the article, she was kind enough to offer her perspective on the subject. Her point of view proved to be both refreshing and surprisingly candid. The highlights of an interview with Ms. Weiss appear below.

      “The biggest problem I have with the article concerning a parent’s finances is that it was not mutually inclusive, somewhat patronizing and very serious,” Weiss says. “While this is a serious issue, a little lightness goes a long way in dealing with delicate subjects—and this is a delicate subject.”

    The gist of the article was that planning to take over an older relative’s finances is best done in happier times, when both side are healthy and various options can be thoughtfully considered. “I am an aging parent and I had an aging parent so I understand the article from both perspectives,” says Ms. Weiss. “Still, the headline turned me off. The word ‘takeover’ sounds like a coup. This issue is really about the relationship between parent and adult child, both of whom are seasoned adults.”
       

     Weiss believes the article should have been directed to both sides. “Ideally the parent should initiate the conversation about decisions regarding his or her own aging with the child,” she says. “We as parents should take the responsibility of engaging with our children. This will help alleviate the fear some parents have that their kids are focusing too much on the financial aspects of their relationship.” 

    Having faced similar issues in her own family, Weiss practices what she preaches. “My family and I do often talk about our finances,” she explained. “Yes, important decisions are best made when parents are healthy and active, but a lot of what gets communicated depends on the family relationships. The aging parent needs to define what they want to happen before their disability or death. It is a difficult conversation to have, but it is a smart thing to do. And it gets easier once begun.”

    Asked what key points children should remember when discussing the issue of finances with their parents, Weiss was characteristically frank. “Above all else, children of aging parents should put themselves in the parents’ place, keeping their own mortality in mind,” Weiss says. “Dealing with a loved one’s needs for assistance in the event of a sudden illness, adversity, or financial disaster is traumatic for everyone involved, but it’s helpful to imagine how they would like to be treated when it’s their turn. This can lead to understanding and compassion.”

Her other tips for broaching the subject of finances with one’s parents include:
* Decide what’s important to talk about first; remember it’s only the beginning.
* Start the conversation early
* Approach the topic with compassion
* Remember that a light approach is more engaging; humor offers hope for resolving issues more than you might imagine.

 “I am a great believer in humor,” Weiss says. “When you are in a difficult place, and relationships are open, humor can lighten things up.  It is one of the best survival techniques for life in general.”