Families and Property Inheritance: A Top Ten List for Decision Making

Everyone seems to agree that family members need to talk about potential changes in health, inheritance, and estate planning issues before there is a crisis or someone is unable to communicate. But quite often, spouses, aging parents/in-laws, siblings, and adult children fail to initiate these important conversations. Communicating and advance planning can reduce feelings of guilt and misunderstandings. It can also lessen the potential for conflict that family members often experience when they are put in the position of making decisions for others.

So why don’t we talk?
    Denial of our own or other’s mortality is often the reason conversations about inheritance can be so sensitive. Few family members are comfortable talking about death, and no one wants to give the impression they are waiting for someone to die. Talking about human losses or changes in health can be emotional and filled with legal and financial complexities that many find overwhelming.
    In some cases, a family history of conflict among parents, in-laws, and siblings will influence if and how family members can communicate about later life transitions of aging parents. Helping family members talk about issues that they normally do not want to address or even acknowledge is the focus of my research on inheritance issues. This research has been utilized to develop tools to help family members begin thoughtful communication about the complex inheritance issue of personal possessions.

Ten Tips for Talking About Inheritance
1.  Be clear about your own motives for raising the issue. What are your concerns, exactly what do you want to have happen, and why?
2.  Respect the fact that others may not be ready or able to face their own or another’s death. For example, making decisions about personal property immediately after a funeral may be too difficult given feelings of grief and loss.
3. Remember that listening is the part of communication we too often forget.
4.  Ask “what if” questions. For example, “Dad, what would you want to have happen with the things in the house if you and Mom were no longer able to live here?”
5.  Look for natural opportunities to talk. For example when a friend or relative is dealing with transferring personal possessions when someone moves or dies, use the situation to start a discussion. Ask, “What would you have done if you were in that situation?”
6.  Recognize that family members will have different feelings and opinions. Conversations should focus on discovering where those involved agree and disagree.
7.  When another family member raises the issue, be willing to listen and talk. Adult children are just as likely to refuse to talk as parents or in-laws.
8.  Not speaking up means that others will not know your opinions or feelings.
9.  Use the Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate?™ DVD/Video as a conversation starter. It helps everyone involved hear the same messages.
10. Share worksheets from the Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate?™ Workbook. Begin communicating with family members about what is most important to accomplish, what “fair” means, and identifying the items that have special meaning. To jump-start your critical conversations, order Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate?™ resources from the University of Minnesota Extension Service at 800-876-8636 or http://www.yellowpieplate.umn.edu.
Editor’s Note: The University of Minnesota Extension Service provides unbiased, research-based education as an outreach arm of the University of Minnesota. UM researchers and educators develop educational resources to help families make more informed decisions.  This article was reprinted by permission

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